KGB Wiki - User contributions [en]

Treasurer

2007-04-01T18:49:20Z

Alan:

[[Category:Officers]]
The [[Treasurer]], [[KGB]]'s answer to the monetary tour de force that is Scrooge McDuck, is informally charged with maintaining and swimming in [[KGB]]'s [[Treasury|pool of golden rubles]]. Officially, the [[Bylaws]] provide that:

The Treasurer shall collect and receive all moneys due or
belonging to the [[KGB|organization]], and shall deposit the same in a
bank satisfactory to the [[Exec|Board]], in the name of the [[KGB|organization]].
The Treasurer's books shall be open at all times to the inspection
of the [[Exec|Board]], and the Treasurer shall report to the [[Exec|Board]] and the
[[General body members|general membership] at every meeting the condition of the
[[KGB|organization]]'s finances. At the [[annual meeting]], the Treasurer
shall render an account of all moneys received and expended during
the previous fiscal year. During the month of September the
Treasurer shall mail to each [[General body members|member]] a statement of [[dues]] for the
ensuing year. The Treasurer shall disperse funds as directed by
the [[Executive Board]]. The Treasurer shall also be responsible for
filing all financial forms applicable to the [[KGB|organization]]. In the
absence of the Treasurer, the [[Recording Secretary]] shall record
allocations made or debts incurred by or to the organization;
however, the [[Recording Secretary]] shall not disburse or collect
moneys, unless authorized so to do by the [[Exec|Board]].

That is to say that the Treasurer manages [[KGB]]'s money. The Treasurer's role in [[meetings]] is to, during the Treasurer's report, conduct KGB's weekly fundraiser, and to give the membership a report on the state of the [[Treasury]], in the denomination of the Treasurer's choosing. The Treasurer writes checks (after an [[allocation]] has been made), accepts [[dues]] and [[t-shirt]] payments, and turns over couch cushions looking for change.

The current (2006-07) treasurer has held the office for so long that she is beginning to resemble Britain's Elizabeth II in that most members can neither recall nor imagine a time without throwing pence at her.

{{Officership}}

Democracy

2007-04-01T18:44:40Z

Alan:

Pfah. We [[vote]] on stuff, I guess.

First Vice President

2007-04-01T18:43:53Z

Alan:

[[Category:Officers]]
The First Vice President assumes all powers and privileges of the [[President]] in the event of the [[President]]'s timely demise. The 1st VP's charter in the [[Bylaws]] is as follows:

The First Vice-President shall be in charge of fellowship
and shall actively recruit new members.

Being "In Charge of Fellowship" means, at a bare minimum, compelling new people at [[meetings]] to [[introduce yourself|introduce themselves]]. A loose interpretation of the text would seem to indicate that the 1st VP also has the responsibility of actively recruiting new members, though this rarely occurs in practice.

Because the 1st VP has a dearth of real responsibilities, it is often a retirement position, where officers find themselves when they have outlived their usefulness, but not their popularity. Conversely, the post has sometimes been used as a 'waiting room', in cases where the organization sees two well-qualified presidential candidates in an election: the more senior (often literally) of the two will be elected President, while the one with more time left to serve at [[CMU|C (no hyphen) M (no U)]] will get to remain on Exec while waiting to move up to the top spot the following year.

Astute students of [[democracy]] will realize that the latter approach is not without its hazards.

{{Officership}}

1988 Officers

2006-12-22T00:10:16Z

Alan:

[[President]] - Jon Bennett

[[First Vice President]] - Todd Williamson

[[Second Vice President]] - Will Frank

[[Recording Secretary]] - Jay Laefer

[[Corresponding Secretary]] - Dan Lovinger

[[Treasurer]] - Chris Newman

[[Sergeant at Arms]] - Dave Markley

This is drawn from an old spreadsheat in <tt>~kgb/lib/lists</tt> which has a strange format. It seems to suggest an alternate [[President]] by the name of Susan Olson, who is also an alternate [[2nd VP]], and a second alternate [[2nd VP]] by the name of Brian Dobbs. This seems to suggest a tumultuous first year, with Susan Olson taking first the vacant office of [[2nd VP]], later to accede to the office of [[President]], presumably by [[Mirror Universe|assassination]].

[[category:Officers]]

Talk:Escape velocity

2006-12-22T00:08:49Z

Alan:

I'd delete this myself, but I lack the [http://wow.blupp.net/item.php?id=383470 Staff of the Admins]. [[User:Alan|Alan]] 19:08, 21 December 2006 (EST)

Talk:Escape velocity

2006-12-22T00:08:07Z

Alan:

I'd delete this myself, but I lack the [[http://wow.blupp.net/item.php?id=383470|Staff of the Admins]]. [[User:Alan|Alan]] 19:08, 21 December 2006 (EST)

President Salute

2006-12-21T23:58:45Z

Alan:

The proper way to salute a current or past [[president]] named <i>x</i> is "Fuck you, <i>x</i>!"

Note the importance of the [[Bang|factorial]] in this expression, particularly for [[Chuck_Werner|large integer presidents]].

Yore

2006-12-21T23:55:03Z

Alan:

The Hunter from the Future.

Useless People Auction

2006-12-21T23:54:51Z

Alan:

=The Event as it Stands Today=
Formerly known as the slave auction, the [[useless people auction]] is an annual [[:category:events|event]] at which [[KGB]] auctions off its [[members]]. Traditionally, [[members]] volunteer to auction six hours of their time to the buyer and can designate someone to outbid anyone they don't want to be bought by. [[KGB]] does not want to know what you do with your useless people.

Frequently, in addition to listing things they can do, useless people encourage people to increase bids by doing tricks, such as push-ups and headstands. In one memorable auction, two groups kept outbidding one another to purchase [[gwillen]]. One group would increase its bid in exchange for [[gwillen]] removing his shirt, and the other would increase its bid when he put it back on.

=The History=
The auction was orginally instantiated as a [[KGB]] [[:category:events|event]] in the days of [[yore]]. It was not repeated until the 2001/2002 academic year, where it proved to be a ludicrously successful means for separating [[KGB]] [[members]] from their money. For two years, the auction (under the name Slave Auction) garnered substantial funds for the [[KGB|organization]]'s [[Booth]].

In the 2003/2004 academic year, the event generated considerable controversy. A group of [[hippies|"concerned students"]] complained, composing an email to the [[KGB]]. They found the name to be racist, and much furor was generated. Part of the response stemmed from the accidental scheduling of the event for the same week as Martin Luther King Jr. Day, creating far more offense than was intended.

In recognition of the legitimate claim of offense due to the unfortunate timing, the [[KGB|organization]] decided to change the name of the event, over a vigorous and vociferous dissent (many members were unwilling to acquiesce to what they saw as an unreasonable demand). The name for the event that year was the [THIS SPACE INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK] Auction.

During the event, the [[KGB|organization]] was treated to a silent protest during [[lmarsh]]'s provocative and lucrative auction. Subsequently, the [[Tartan]] published a Letter to the Editor complaining about the objectification and implicit discrimination inherent in such an event. The article contained numberous errors, and illicted a response from [[ykhodor]] in the following week's letters to the editor. The follow-up was accompanied by a retraction from the [[Tartan]].

Verily, all were pleased by this result. Except for those who were offended in the first place and except for the [[Tartan]], the editors of which were subsequently [[Pants of the Revolution|crucified]] on a [[cross of their own inattention]].

[[category:Events]]

Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki

2006-11-16T01:28:21Z

Alan: Bastards!

[[Suzuki]]

Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki

2006-11-16T01:27:47Z

Alan:

[[Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki|Suzuki]]

Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki

2006-11-16T01:27:39Z

Alan:

[Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki|Suzuki]]

Doherty Hall

2006-11-15T10:45:03Z

Alan: me can punctuate real good

Although the '''Doherty Hall''' building currently houses science offices and chemistry labs, its original function as the home of the psychology department can be still be seen in the bizarrely non-Euclidean, maze-like warren of its lower levels. It was considered desirable to produce in the students the same mental state as the rats they studied.

[[category:Buildings]]

Doherty Hall

2006-11-15T10:44:39Z

Alan:

Although the [[Doherty Hall]] building currently houses science offices and chemistry labs, its original function as the home of the psychology department can be still be seen in the bizarrely non-Euclidean, maze-like warren of its lower levels. It was considered desirable to produce in the students the same mental state as the rats they studied.

[[category:Buildings]]

Skibo

2006-11-15T10:42:17Z

Alan:

'''Skibo''' is a name which has at various times been applied to just about everything on [[CMU]]'s campus. From buildings to dining facilities to alumni memorial coat racks, the goofy moniker of an obscure Scottish castle graces more facets of Carnegie Mellon life than almost anything else.

[[category:Campus features]]

UC

2006-11-15T10:39:39Z

Alan:

The '''University Center''', usually '''UC''', is a large and imposing waste of time, erected in the mid-1990s on the old [[Skibo]] site. It possesses one of the [[CMU]] campus's finest [[fascist balcony|fascist balconies]].

[[category:Buildings]]

UC

2006-11-15T10:39:22Z

Alan:

University Center

2006-11-15T10:37:25Z

Alan:

#REDIRECT[[UC]]

Roselawn 7

2006-11-15T10:36:58Z

Alan:

"The '''Roselawn Seven'''" is the nickname commonly applied to a group of KGB members, a detachment of the 501st Scout Artillery, who were killed in combat on August 25, 1996. They voluntarily remained in the line of fire to cover the retreat of the remainder of their unit; their sacrifice permitted the rest of the 501st to escape destruction, and has often been cited as the turning point, both in morale and strategy, of the war.

A plaque commemorating the Roselawn Seven was erected on the tenth anniversary of the battle, but its location is a closely guarded secret.

[[category:Buildings]]

Roselawn 7

2006-11-15T10:36:47Z

Alan:

Category:Buildings

2006-11-15T10:31:20Z

Alan:

Buildings are a type of large, permanent tent or wigwam, usually made out of cream-colored brick.

West Wing

2006-11-15T10:30:05Z

Alan:

The '''West Wing''' is a long-running, popular dormitory building on NBC. It features Martin Sheen, Alan Alda, Alison Janney, five-person suites, single and double rooms, two kitchens, and (formerly) Rob Lowe.

[[category:Buildings]]

Margaret Morrison

2006-11-15T10:29:44Z

Alan:

Margaret Morrison Carnegie Hall is a building on the [[CMU]] campus. It is controlled by the [[College of Fine Arts]]. Due to the unique topography of Pittsburgh, Margaret Morrison has ground floor entrances on four separate floors.

Margaret Morrison was the home of the first two [[KGB]] [[Kage|Kages]]. In the basement, before the renovations, there was clearly visible a heavily insulated pipe that ran by the original [[Kage]] that was labeled "[[dreams]]." This pipe is no longer visible, and it is unknown whether the flow of [[dreams]] continues unimpeded.

[[category:Buildings]]

Wean

2006-11-15T10:29:29Z

Alan:

Wean is a building on the [[CMU]] campus. Built into the side of a hill, Wean is a giant, reinforced-concrete bunker. Chosen as one of the world's most beautiful concrete structures, Wean is also the safest place on campus in the event of nuclear attack. In addition, Wean is equipped with futuristic Mech technology that allows it to rise up in the form of [[WeanBot]], ready to defend Pittsburgh from foreign aggression.

[[Mother Wean]] comforts us and nurtures us. Safe in her cold, concrete bosom, we are free to engage in the various pursuits of the mind that have called us together. Without her, the burden of existence would simply be too much to bear.

[[category:Campus features]]
[[category:Buildings]]

College of Fine Arts

2006-11-15T10:28:48Z

Alan:

The '''College of Fine Arts''', usually '''CFA''', is a large and impressive [[Beaux-Arts]] building on the [[Carnegie Mellon University]] campus. Its cornerstone gives the date of its construction as MCMXII, but in the absence of any actual numbers on the stone the date of CFA's construction must remain a mystery. Similarly, the large inscriptions on the west side of the building describe its five departments as Drama, Painting, Scvlptvre, Architechtvre, and Mvsic, but, as only two of those are words, what actual is studied there is somewhat indiscernible.

The abbreviation CFA is often asserted to stand for "Can't Fucking Spell", in reference to the misspellings and infelicities that litter the building's large and majestic murals, the general inability of harried and unfocused music majors to assemble the letters of the English language in their proper order, and the fact that, due to obscure long-term repercussions of the [[Hawley-Smoot Tariff]], it actually ''does'' stand for "Can't Fucking Spell".

The CFA building was recently one of the filming locations for the short film [[The Icon of St. Cyril]], starring [[Elise Walton]]. It also is home to the Kresge Theater and its interesting, if not famous, [[tension grid]].

[[category:Buildings]]

New House

2006-11-15T10:28:32Z

Alan:

Isn't.

[[category:Buildings]]

Pants of the Revolution

2006-11-14T23:19:48Z

Alan:

During a movie night in the year 2001, members of [[KGB]] found a pair of pants lying in the [[West Wing]] TV Room. As is [[KGB]] custom, the members who found the pants arranged to have them put in the [[Kage]] for future use.

During [[Booth]] of that year, members nailed the pants to the cross. The pants were featured prominantly during build week, and have made appearances during build weeks of subsequent years.

[[category:Stories]]

New House

2006-11-14T22:56:13Z

Alan:

Isn't.

Kage

2006-11-14T21:41:52Z

Alan:

The [[KGB]] ''Kage'' is the place where we keep all of our [[hopes]] and [[dreams]]. It is our storage site and primary building location for [[Booth]].

The first Kage was located in the [[The Lavish B Level|B sub-basement]] of [[Margaret Morrison]]. It was originally a simple, empty cage, unoccupied and unhappy. Then daring young [[KGB]] members came upon it, placed a lock upon its sacred door, and waited. When, after a year, they found the lock still thereupon, they christened the Kage and moved in. It was in this earlest and most fable-ridden incarnation of the Kage that the [[dreams]] main was discovered, and so it was during that period that most of KGB's dreams were stored and bottled against future need.

In the year 2003, the [[College of Fine Arts]], which controls [[Margaret Morrison]], lost its Design cluster to the children's school. As a result, they started to turn their attention to the lower basements, where the Kage resided and where many organizations stored their miscellanies. The intrepid, fearless [[President]] of the [[KGB]] that year organized the other student leaders who controlled space in the basements of [[Margaret Morrison]] to resist the encroachment of [[CFA]], and was successful. However, the victory was short-lived, for following the end of that year, [[CFA]] swept through the B level with fire and the sword, and scourged out all traces of organizational storage.

The Kage was reconstituted on C level, beneath the watchful eyes of CFA's fierce, clan-governed tribal warriors, in a space which made up in industrial-decay chic what it lacked in ease of access. It was broad and filthy of floor, and vastly ample of headroom, and here the Kage resided for the following years. Its expansive chain-link entrance was guarded by a sign which could be reversed -- during Booth season, it read "Welcome"; at other times, "Fuck Off!".

In 2006, they finally got us to leave [[Margaret Morrison]], by giving us a room right under [[New House]]. There's much less headroom, but you can't beat the commute to [[Midway]].

The Kage is entrusted to the keeping of the [[Sergeant at Arms]]. Any [[stuff]] that is collected for [[KGB]] should be given to the [[Sergeant at Arms]] for storage until such time as [[The Revolution|the revolution]] finds a use for it.

Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki

2006-11-14T21:33:52Z

Alan:

[[Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki|Suzuki]]

Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki

2006-11-14T21:33:36Z

Alan:

[[Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki|Suzuki]]

Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki

2006-11-14T21:33:23Z

Alan:

[[Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki|Suzuki]]

Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki

2006-11-14T21:33:11Z

Alan:

[[Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki|Suzuki]]

Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki

2006-11-14T21:32:55Z

Alan:

[[Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki|Suzuki]]

Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki

2006-11-14T21:32:40Z

Alan:

[[Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki|Suzuki]]

Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki

2006-11-14T21:32:25Z

Alan:

[[Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki|Suzuki]]

Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki

2006-11-14T21:32:15Z

Alan:

[[Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki|Suzuki]]

Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki

2006-11-14T21:31:47Z

Alan:

[[Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki/Suzuki|Suzuki]]

Groenbjerg

2006-11-14T21:29:33Z

Alan:

#REDIRECT[[User:Alan]]

General body members

2006-11-14T21:29:16Z

Alan:

These are our fine KGB members.

* [[aballard]]
* [[aij]]
* [[aleffert]]
* [[areese]]
* [[astromme]]
* [[cgwright]]
* [[cmartens]]
* [[cpride]]
* [[csawyer]]
* [[csjackso]]
* [[ddagradi]]
* [[djreed]]
* [[djurado]]
* [[dlstern]]
* [[dpalexan]]
* [[dpardo]]
* [[edanaher]]
* [[ehohenst]]
* [[eleather]]
* [[ghannema]]
* [[greg4]]
* [[groenbjerg]]
* [[gwillen]]
* [[gzearfos]]
* [[jcdavis]]
* [[jciscon]]
* [[jdkaufma]]
* [[jgg]]
* [[jsp16]]
* [[krivard]]
* [[ksubrama]]
* [[labbott]]
* [[lea]]
* [[leet]]
* [[maument]]
* [[mmorrill]]
* [[mspindle]]
* [[mstephen]]
* [[mvarshav]]
* [[pdesider]]
* [[pm39]]
* [[pmellott]]
* [[pwasserm]]
* [[pwg]]
* [[rbiggs]]
* [[rhalstea]]
* [[rlane]]
* [[rmacclou]]
* [[rszewczy]]
* [[shawn]]
* [[tcrow]]
* [[tlw]]
* [[tpburns]]
* [[vkaplan]]

Talk:Internal and External Choice

2006-11-14T21:27:52Z

Alan:

Let the record show that I am enormously happy this page is here. [[User:Aleffert|Akiva]]

Let the record show that I am pleased and content with your efforts to confuse and bewilder the populace, by presenting internal and external choice exactly reversed from, say, the [http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~rwh/courses/logic/www/handouts/linear.pdf terminology of some other guy on the internet]. The more confused everyone else is about linear logic, the more valuable my membership in the the elite priest-caste of those who understand it! Huzzah! [[User:Jcreed|Jcreed]] 22:56, 11 November 2006 (EST)

Let the record show that the internet is a series of [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Communicating_sequential_processes other guys on the internet]. [[User:Rjmccall|Rjmccall]] 16:00, 14 November 2006 (EST)

I hate you, Milkman Dan. [[User:Alan|Alan]] 16:27, 14 November 2006 (EST)

CMU

2006-11-14T21:26:56Z

Alan:

'''C (no hyphen) M (no U)''', often simply '''Carnegie Mellon University''', established in the early twentieth century by a pittance skimmed from the fortune of [[Andrew Carnegie]], is an institution of higher, or at least pointer, education, located in [[Pittsburgh]]. It [[CMU hates grass|hates grass]], loves [[Bodoni]], and has a seemingly inexhaustible fondness for installing unattractive [[random art on campus|random art]] on campus.

As of 2006, it has recently been used as the filming location both for ''Smart People'', starring Dennis Quaid as an English professor - which underscores how little the [[outside world]] knows about CMU, as there is certainly no such beast anywhere near the place - and for ''[[The Icon of St. Cyril]]'', an unwitting co-production of the [[KGB]] starring [[Elise Walton]].

Pittsburgh

2006-11-13T21:21:42Z

Alan:

The city of '''Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania''' is a bustling semitropolis which stands as the sole beacon of civilization in the vast wastelands that lie on the border between the Atlantic region and the Midwest. It began as a French military outpost, Fort Duquesne (pronounced ''Duquesne''), but was won by the nascent British Empire in a crooked hand of sabacc and renamed Fort Pitt in honor of the Prime Minister, Horace Walpole.

Though located at the confluence of three major rivers (the Nina, the Pinta, and the Monongahela), the land around Pittsburgh is peculiarly ill-suited to the construction of a major city, and indeed no sane person would ever attempt to tackle the vast and complex challenges of building a modern industrial infrastructure on Pittsburgh's broken, vertiginous terrain.

It is fortunate, therefore, that no sane person has ever been involved in such an effort. See also: [[Carnegie Mellon University]].

CMU

2006-11-13T21:16:34Z

Alan:

'''Carnegie Mellon University''', established in the early twentieth century by a pittance skimmed from the fortune of [[Andrew Carnegie]], is an institution of higher, or at least pointer, education, located in [[Pittsburgh]]. It [[CMU hates grass|hates grass]].

User:Alan

2006-11-13T21:11:35Z

Alan:

'''Alan Cameron Caum''' (3 September 1983 - ) is a KGB member known for his thickly packed prose style, his fast, badly articulated, and reference-packed manner of speech, his near-pathological fondness for designing [[flyers]], and his habit of bursting randomly into song in languages he does not actually speak.

In the popular imagination, Alan possesses a strangely self-contradictory, dualistic status: on the one hand, he is often assumed to be a [[CMU]] student, while on the other, he is often assumed to be around the same age as [[Shawn Knight]]. In fact, he is not a CMU student, and his status vis-a-vis CMU is a unique and ill-defined beast, and he is ten years younger than Shawn.

Alan is, to the best of his knowledge, the only non-student ever to serve as clerk of CMU's Student Senate. He would have stood for election to KGB's [[Exec]] last year had he been eligible, though even he admits that he doesn't really know what he would have run for.

His knowledge of arcane and obscure subjects in history, art, language, and literary theory is extraordinarily broad, but in most places not especially deep. Higher mathematics, logic, and theories of category, set, and information are utterly beyond his capacity to grasp He firmly believes, however (in the absence of any evidence) that, given the opportunity, he could write circles around nearly everyone he knows; and, as he has always placed a fetishistically high value on linguistic intelligence, this is quite enough for him.

Alan may be seen weekly at KGB meetings, generally rising during [[committee reports]] to spiel out some unlikely adventure of the Time Travel Committee; at Exec meetings on Wednesdays offering input on upcoming events and projects; or in syndication (check your local listings).

He is considered in some circles to be a kind of spiritual successor to Shawn Knight, which means he is some sort of weird spiritual half-sibling or demi-cousin to [[Ed Ryan]]. Considering this for too long can result in blindness, sterility, or death, and has already driven the author of this page to despairing thoughts of Pine-Sol.

User:Alan

2006-11-13T21:09:39Z

Alan:

'''Alan Cameron Caum''' (3 September 1983 - ) is a KGB member known for his thickly packed prose style, his fast, badly articulated, and reference-packed manner of speech, his near-pathological fondness for designing [[flyers]], and his habit of bursting randomly into song in languages he does not actually speak.

In the popular imagination, Alan possesses a strangely self-contradictory, dualistic status: on the one hand, he is often assumed to be a [[CMU]] student, while on the other, he is often assumed to be around the same age as [[Shawn Knight]]. In fact, he is not a CMU student, and his status vis-a-vis CMU is a unique and ill-defined beast, and he is ten years younger than Shawn.

Alan is, to the best of his knowledge, the only non-student ever to serve as clerk of CMU's Student Senate, and would have stood for election to KGB's [[Exec]] last year had he been eligible, though even he admits that he doesn't really know what he would have run for.

His knowledge of arcane and obscure subjects in history, art, language, and literary theory is extraordinarily broad, but in most places not especially deep. Higher mathematics, logic, and theories of category, set, and information are utterly beyond his capacity to grasp, but he firmly believes (in the absence of any evidence) that, given the opportunity, he could write circles around nearly everyone he knows, and as he has always placed a fetishistically high value on linguistic intelligence, this is quite enough for him.

Alan may be seen weekly at KGB meetings, generally rising during [[committee reports]] to spiel out some unlikely adventure of the Time Travel Committee; at Exec meetings on Wednesdays offering input on upcoming events and projects, or in syndication (check your local listings).

He is considered in some circles to be a kind of spiritual successor to Shawn Knight, which means he is some sort of weird spiritual half-sibling or demi-cousin to [[Ed Ryan]]. Considering this for too long can result in blindness, sterility, or death, and has already driven the author of this page to despairing thoughts of Pine-Sol, just in the process of writing it.

West Wing

2006-11-13T20:35:03Z

Alan:

The '''West Wing''' is a long-running, popular dormitory building on NBC. It features Martin Sheen, Alan Alda, Alison Janney, five-person suites, double rooms, single rooms, two kitchens, and (formerly) Rob Lowe.

College of Fine Arts

2006-11-13T09:51:27Z

Alan:

The '''College of Fine Arts''', usually '''CFA''', is a large and impressive [[Beaux-Arts]] building on the [[Carnegie Mellon University]] campus. Its cornerstone gives the date of its construction as MCMXII, but in the absence of any actual numbers on the stone the date of CFA's construction must remain a mystery.

The abbreviation CFA is often asserted to stand for "Can't Fucking Spell", in reference to the misspellings and infelicities that litter the building's large and majestic murals, the general inability of harried and unfocused music majors to assemble the letters of the English language in their proper order, and the fact that, due to obscure long-term repercussions of the [[Hawley-Smoot Tariff], it actually ''does'' stand for "Can't Fucking Spell".

The CFA building was recently one of the filming locations for the short film [[The Icon of St. Cyril]], starring [[Elise Walton]]. It also is home to the Kresge Theater and its interesting, if not famous, [[tension grid]].

College of Fine Arts

2006-11-13T09:50:26Z

Alan:

The 'College of Fine Arts', usually 'CFA', is a large and impressive [[Beaux-Arts]] building on the [[Carnegie Mellon University]] campus. Its cornerstone gives the date of its construction as MCMXII, but in the absence of any actual numbers on the stone the date of CFA's construction must remain a mystery.

The abbreviation CFA is often asserted to stand for "Can't Fucking Spell", in reference to the misspellings and infelicities that litter the building's large and majestic murals, the general inability of harried and unfocused music majors to assemble the letters of the English language in their proper order, and the fact that, due to obscure long-term repercussions of the [[Hawley-Smoot Tariff], it actually ''does'' stand for "Can't Fucking Spell".

The CFA building was recently one of the filming locations for the short film [[[The Icon of St. Cyril]], starring [[Elise Walton]]. It also is home to the Kresge Theater and its interesting, if not famous, [[tension grid]].

Pole

2006-11-13T09:42:12Z

Alan:

A large, metal erection sticking out of campus near the intersection of Forbes Avenue and Morewood Avenue. Formally known as '''Walking to the Sky''', and designed by alumnus Jared Borofsky, it is one of several acts of [[random art on campus]]. It was built with an intention of expressing cultural and generational diversity, showing several people of different races and ages walking up one side of it, excluding those in wheelchairs. While it may appear that the "artist" is discriminitory to the disabled, it may also be that the pole is too narrow to roll a wheelchair up.

The sculpture itself, yet another unsolicited gift from an unnervingly affluent member of [[CMU]]'s board of trustees, occasioned more controversy, debate, outcry, and reduction of student apathy than any other issue in recent memory. None of this, of course, mattered a damn to the Board, who [[CMU hates grass|dug several large holes]] around campus before finally selecting one in which to plant the sculpture.

Three people have been so captivated by this piece that they have been standing at its base looking up at it now since installation in May 2006. Whether they suffer from paralysis and neck cramps, are gazing in awe, or are appalled at the atrocity of this phallic symbol is is not known. However, it is also being watched by several cameras belonging to [[campus police]], who have a running pool going to see which organization will put their logo, flag, symbol, etc, on top of Walking to the Sky first.