Body part of the week
Current Body Part of the Week
Week of July 31, 2011:
The Head
Dipped in tar, the head is a great decorative piece for any castle gate to let your subjects know that you are not fucking around when it comes to dealing with traitors. The ancient Celts used these as tradable collectibles, later to be replaced by pogs. When boiled of all flesh and the top removed, it could be made into a decent cup for drinking wine, as long as it was from an enemy. Drinking out of the skull of a comrade is considered poor taste.
BPotW Archive
Week of April 24, 2011:
THE ROBOT ARM!!!!!!
The robot arm was invented in 1654 by Jesus. It was part of his blue period. It was pained red. Usually used to reach the queso when it is just too damn far away. It works even better when attached to puppies.
Week of May 8, 2011:
The Tusk
The tusk is a the most important body part to ivory collectors, who insist it is grown on very special trees in their back yards. No you can't see them. Because I said so. Also they are out of season. Now bugger off before I call the police. No, that is not a mound of elephant carcasses behind that fence. You know, what? Forget the police, I am getting my gun! Now scram!
Week of May 15, 2011:
The Soul
A part whose existence is the topic of some controversy, if you think you do not have one, I would be willing to buy it from you for $10. Seriously, if you are interested, just mention the words "borghal rantipole" during shmucks who like to mouth off and I will come by later to discuss business. Unless I am not there, in which case, just do it the week after.
Week of May 22, 2011:
The Plasmid
While, strictly speaking, not part of the body, its affects on it can be extreme, as shown in the scientific documentary Bioshock. A plasmid is a circular piece of DNA generally encoding a few genes. They tend to give superpowers, but not all of them are awesome. For example: shooting lightning, fire, ice, or bees out of your hands = awesome. Throwing gobs of glowing shit, no matter what the effects = not awesome. Telekinesis is always awesome.
An update on last week's body part:
Yesterday (May 21, 2011) was supposed to be the Rapture where all the "worthy" souls would go to heaven and all others would be left behind for the next five months (to take care of the pets, I presume) until they would inevitably die in the destruction of all things. It did not happen. I did read something interesting however. It was a dialogue between a fallen angel and an archangel who were discussing the actions of the fallen one who had just killed a man. "A necessary evil?" asks the archangel, "I see no evil in it," replied the fallen one, "It is the human soul that is sacred, not life." Kind of makes you wonder, does it not?
Week of May 29, 2011:
The Baby
Again, not really part of the body, except for a short time when some women feel like doing a nine month long whale impression. They are loud, demanding, and smelly, but not to be confused with CS students because babies can be really cute. Feel free to share any recipes you may have here.
Week of June 5, 2011:
The Trunk
This is a body part, which while mostly on pachyderms, many rappers seem to think is included in human physiology. This is true in only the rarest of cases, but even still it is not a garbage receptacle.
Week of June 12, 2011:
The Opposable Thumb
Probably the main reason dolphins have never gained supremacy over humankind, these bad boys let us do all kind of things like utilize tools, grasp objects firmly, play video games, give someone a thumbs up, hitchhike, twiddle said thumbs, open locks, open jars of pickles, make finger puppets, sew wounds shut, sew mouths shut, sow a field, sow discord in a political scene, use the space key while typing, "bite my thumb at them, which is a disgrace to them, if they bear it" in order to start a fight with the Montagues, snap your fingers, bur probably most importantly, make tea.
Week of June 19, 2011
The Beard
This glorious appendage was invented by Velociraptor Ninja Moses, because he was tired of having nothing to stroke* while he pondered how to be more of a badass. (Hint: he could not, it was just a mental exercise to keep his mind sharp) Worn by many today as a sign of awesomeness, the Beard has many uses including additional skills on the dance floor. That is right, if you have a beard, you get a +4 to dancing, concentration, and combat casting, as well as a +3 for all actions taken against Balrogs (or Balors) provided you yell "YOU SHALL NOT PASS" dramatically enough.
.*Get your mind out of the gutter.
Week of June 26, 2011:
The Eye:
While generally a laser generation point, the eye is also useful for shooting X-rays, Gamma rays, and sting rays. I bet the Crocodile hunter wishes he had one of these now. Oh, wait, he did. He just sucked at using them. In any case, the eye, in addition to being the body's (arguably) most versatile weapon, also helps you see and stuff like that. Most people have two, but most badasses have fewer than that (e.g. Odin, Col. Saul Tigh). Some people profess to have four, but recent advances in Ocular Science have proven that glasses are not, in fact, eyes. As a side note, Ocular Science has recently determined that turkey sandwiches are generally the best source of turkey sandwich, reversing years of precedent in turkey sandwich research.
Week of July 3, 2011:
The Fingernail
The fingernail is what some mistake for the canvas of the body, some humes (mostly female) spend hours painting said appendage, only to have it chip and crack and then bitch about it for a while while the rest of the world goes about its business being useful. More than this, it is a handy tool for opening things like boxes or the chests of your enemies, and can be reshaped and grown to the length and sharpness desired, provided there is a sufficient intake of calcium. Unfortunately, the fingernail is not as strong as a claw, but our friendly neighborhood splicers are working on that problem as we speak to help YOU prepare for battle. Remember, we cannot defeat the crab people alone. We need YOUR help. Meatshields welcome.
Week of July 10, 2011:
The Bruise
Oh god, is it time for another BPOTW update? Fuck. I am too fucking sore to even think straight, let alone be clever. Um, ... Bruises occur when you get the shit beat out of you by some old guy with a big stick. Also from that fucking gorget-paldrons piece of armor which never sits straight, half chokes you, and then slips when someone delivers a strike to the shoulder. I am honestly shocked I was able to make it into work today. Still, I did kill two knights in a row yesterday, which should count for something. These guys do not hold back, as they adhere strictly to the policy: the harder you kill them early, the faster they will learn not to do dumb shit. I suppose it might work... Ow.
Week of July 17, 2011
The Ear
"Just as many fools are ruined by their ears as by their tongues". So said the great Mr. Miller. This is not only because you can overhear something that will get you into trouble, but because these often get caught in giant fans and then the rest of your body gets sucked in as well and then we will have delicious you smoothies for the rest of the week. On an unrelated note, we have a 20% discount this week at the All Natural Smoothie store on our signature BioSmoothies! We are also looking for giant fan technicians.
Week of July 24, 2011
The Funny Bone
LOL OBLIGATORY PENIS JOKE LOL. Now that our minds have broken for air from their plunge into the gutter, we can move on with our day. The funny bone is awesome, because it is the only famous body part known by the terrible pun from which it gets its name (the humerus). It does not house, as some believe the sense of humor, rather it houses that sense of pain when someone kicks you in the tailbone. It has the ability to hurt like a bitch and the only saving grace to this irritating as all hell body part is the somewhat funny name associated with it.
