Committee to Hijack Protests and Campus Tours

The Formation

This committee was formed in the Spring of 2003. In this semester there were many protests and rallies in opposition to America's actions in the middle east. Very active in the peace rallies was none other than KGB's Agent M, hero of the People and then 1st VP. Agent M was leading a massive march through Oakland when he came across an enthusiastic, junior member of the organization, who was then the Corresponding Secretary. This brash fellow thought the idea of a protest delightful, and joined in whole-heartedly. Though he protested very loudly, he did not seem to be protesting quite the same things as the others present. In time, the march devolved into a spaghetti party at some guy's house.

The committee was formed at the General Body meeting the next day. Fearing that all of his efforts toward peace would be subverted, Agent M challenged the committee's chairman to prove that he was as apolitical as he claimed, and to do so by exerting his efforts toward the next pro-war rally to occur.

Conveniently, there was one scheduled mere days later.

The College Republicans

The chairman called the committee together and brainstormed. Together they created a list of slogans to use on signs at the protest. The chairman made a quick trip to the art store, a quick trip to the Kage, and they were good to go. The signs read as follows:

• Free Kevin Mitnick (Kevin Mitnick had, in fact, been released some weeks prior, and was speaking at CMU that very evening.)
• Colon Cancer: The Hidden Killer
• Wait! Eye of a Mayo Sandwich
• I Like My Wars Like I Like My Coffee... COVERED IN BEES!
• ICH MAG DIE SCHÖNEN GELBEN BLUMEN (Everything sounds scarier in German. This translates to "I like the pretty, yellow flowers.")
• You Have a Secret Admirer (This was meant to evoke fortune cookies. Under the main text, in a smaller font, read the words "In Bed.")

The KGB arrived at the flagpole in the Cut the next day. There were about a dozen of them. There were a dozen College Republicans. The media was there in force. They milled around for a while and were heavily interviewed. (News coverage.) Finally, they marched in a circle around the flagpole, singing "The Ants Go Marching," and marched off into the (proverbial) sunset.

Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church

The next major action of the committee came some months later. After the death of Mr. Rogers, may he rest peacefully in the Land of Makebelieve, Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church set out to show the world how terrible of a person Mr. Rogers (may his cardigans remain pristine and serve as a reminder to us for all eternity) was. For you see, Mr. Rogers (may his neighborhood prosper and suffer little crime for all perpetuity) was a minister in a church that was openly supportive of homosexuals, and never took the opportunity to use his statuts as a national celebrity to openly denounce them.

The KGB was within walking distance of one of the protest sites, and so they marched once again into the fray. This time they had the following signs:

• Shave the Whales
• God Hates Bags
• I support drilling
• Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
• Post further ideas to the bboard.
• Ambiguity: For a sooner tomorrow
• No test material on this sign.
• Deine Mutti hat mein Schild GEGESSEN (German again. This time is says, "Yo mama ate my sign.")

Upon their arrival, some counter protesters on the scene were heard to exclaim, "The surrealists are here!" Loyal Comrades marched with their signs while the chairman hopped around screaming pertinent slogans such as, "Don't tread on me!" and "Free government for the colonies!"

Even the previously doubtful Agent M was in attendance, all tarted up. He was flirting pretty heavily with one of Fred Phelps's granddaughters.

Campus Tours

The committee never actually hijacked any campus tours. Chalk it up to apathy.

However, years later KGB members (unrelated to this committee) did in fact steal a small girl (who may or may not have been a plant) from a 2007 campus tour to the great confusion of all. This was caught on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hL3QRz7CUR0

During another kidnapping, the kidnappers dropped out of trees onto their victim.